Posts tagged stress
Posts tagged stress
Things I bought which were actually on my shopping list when I walked into the store:
Things I bought which were NOT on my shopping list at all:
If it weren’t for the last three items, we could legitimately say that I simply bought about $50 worth of extra carbohydrates.
The good news is that I actually bought all the things on my list, and I did not have a panic attack while I was in the store at all. I did have to hide in a random aisle for about five minutes to get control over myself, but I managed to go back and get the milk after that and before checking out, so I consider it a win.
This is an 11 minute video put out by the IWK, a youth hospital in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Where I am from. It is about Mental Illness and the stigma that comes along with it. It would mean very much to me for anyone who is interested in watching this, to watch it. You by no means have to. I just think it is a message that needs to get across, and that people need to hear. Both those who have personal experience with Mental Illness, and those who do not.
BoysTown has live chat help times scheduled, email help, and the traditional hotline. If you’re a teen or young adult facing a crisis (or even just a really crappy day) they are happy to help, or just listen and give comfort.
They also have some journal pages you can print out to work on problems you’ve having on your own.
If you are in physical danger, feel like hurting yourself, or are currently in the middle of something really really serious, I strongly recommend you call them rather than wait for help online. Their number is 1-800-448-3000.
You are not alone. There is help.
So, it’s a little tricky explaining therapy to someone who’s never been, or doesn’t understand it already. There’s like this magical curtain between those of us who’ve benefited from it and the rest of the universe. I’ll try to give the rest of y’all a peek behind it. Some of this might be triggering.
I did my first half-day of work today and it wasn’t a total disaster. It really wasn’t a whole lot of anything, truth be told: no lightning bolts, no ground shaking, no tremendous events to relate. The dramatic highlight is when I realized I’d forgotten nearly all my passwords and would have to get each and every one of them (sigh) reset.
My supervisor was shockingly supportive and stuff. She wants my doctor’s phone number in case something bad happens to me (heh,) and is having me start super, super slowly. I basically did nothing but file today. Oh, also, she had someone come in and put all my paperwork (which was EVERYWHERE - the photos are what earned me my ADHD and OCD diagnoses) into boxes and stuff. So it’s actually really clean. I have no idea how long that will last.
I also have no idea how well things will go later on. Four hours of work was exhausting; I wanted to fall into bed when I got home. But I made it through today, and that’s what counts, right?
I know, intellectually, that what happened today isn’t the end of the world. I should really just make a note of it and move on. I ought to put it into context and not let it bring me down and so forth. At worst I ought to be making contingency plans and waiting to see what happens.
But my actual reaction has been more like “I want to sleep and never ever wake up again,” which is not helpful at all. And nothing I’ve tried to do to get myself out of feeling like this has been even a little bit successful. At the moment I’m fighting to keep myself from going to bed right now, and I’ve already taken a two hour “despair and anxiety” nap today. I’ve been in a constant stream of suicidal ideation for the other two hours. Things don’t even taste right, right now. I mean, come on, me. Get with it already.
I wish I could at least have the luxury of not knowing what the heck is wrong with me. Alas, I know exactly what the heck is wrong with me and that knowledge changes nothing at all.
Structure is my friend, so chaos is clearly an enemy. My brain and body are so very, very confused by not being at home, not going to any familiar places, eating new foods, driving lots and lots… I was enormously tired all day long but anxious, keyed up, and unable to sleep for more than an hour or two at a stretch overnight. I was unsafe to drive so my sisters had to do it all and there’s guilt from that; there are weird noises in the hotel; I miss my pillows. Sigh. I’m actually using this blog post as a way of trying to tire my brain out a bit but I’m not sure it’s working. I also may be crying but it’s hard to tell given the likelihood of simple eye strain and stress and so forth. Sigh.
So it’s almost 5am, and what with the everything that happened yesterday (including the accidental stimulant at 9pm) I’m awake and jittery. And I totally just caught myself saying “hey, maybe that means this episode is over and I don’t have to go to this thing after all!”.
So I’m totally behind on all kinds of things at work, and my office is a mess, and I’m having issues with the person I don’t get along with, and my supervisors have decided this is a good time to give two days per week of my time to another work group. The work is actually kind of interesting sounding. But I’m losing 40% of the time I already didn’t have enough of, and not seeing any other duties diminished.
I sometimes wonder if they’re trying to provoke me into admitting I’m falling apart behind my “Demeter is doing just fine do not look at the piles of papers in the corner please" facade.
So if in like two weeks I’m even extra crazy and stressed out, this is probably why.