Demeter

Stuff from me

Posts tagged discontinuation syndrome

33 notes

Symptom management

For me, at least right in this moment, symptom management is all about:

  • Figuring out what my limitations really are (versus what I think they might be,)
  • Doing what I can do within those limitations, and
  • Not beating myself up for what I can’t do right now.

Therefore I choose to be really proud of the fact that all my luggage is out of the car and that I went and got food for dinner, and I will not focus on the trash that won’t get taken out today and the laundry that will have to wait till tomorrow.

I’m also going to give this month’s Relief Society book group meeting (this evening) a shot, even though I have not re-read the book in question (Dracula) and even though I will be bringing a fairly lame “spooky snack” to share (ants on a log.)

And yes, the Relief Society book of the month is Dracula.  I love my ward even though I’m too scared and insufficiently functional to go on Sundays.  So far anyway (working on it.)

Filed under symptoms symptom management mental illness bipolar discontinuation discontinuation syndrome coping self esteem depression recovery CBT mormon lds latter-day saints relief society mormonism

5 notes

You would think

That given that this is the third time I’m trying this, I’d get used to feeling like garbage the day after my first missed dose of the Geodon.  You’d think the chills and the sweating (simultaneously!) and the general aura of crud that surrounds me would be less discouraging.  You’d think I’d be ready for it, at the very least.

You would be wrong. 

The only good news is that each one is less bad than the last attempt (the first try I was going from 120mg/day to 0mg/day; the second try I went from 40mg/day to 0mg/day; this is 20mg/day to 0mg/day.)  Oh, and I have absolutely nothing scheduled, so I can just mope around being miserable and feeling sick and screwing around with the settings on my air conditioner all day long.

Filed under Geodon medication discontinuation discontinuation syndrome atypical antipsychotic bipolar

6 notes

Me and my Inner Critic, part four

Demeter:
I am miserable and cold and hot and bleh.
Critic:
You are such a baby about this kind of thing. Suck it up and deal.
Demeter:
That's not a very helpful thing to say to a person. It's really true that I'm uncomfortable right now, and it doesn't say anything about my character to admit it.
Critic:
Complaining solves nothing.
Demeter:
Maybe, but I don't think I'm going overboard here. I'm not gnashing my teeth and rending my garments, I'm just saying how I feel. And that's helping me to process it.
Critic:
"Process it?" You talk like you know all this psychiatric mumbo-jumbo but you're just freaked out and grasping at straws.
Demeter:
Well it's true that I'm off balance right now. But using words like that helps me to accept that the way I'm feeling doesn't have to say anything bad about me. And really there's only so much "dealing" that a person can be expected to do. I am glad that this time the effects don't seem to be quite as severe, though we'll see how long that lasts.
Critic:
You should feel bad about this, though! Look at you, lying around like an invalid when it's all in your head.
Demeter:
My head is as real a body part as any other. And I wouldn't tell a stranger who felt this way that they should "just deal." I'd offer them a blanket or ask if they had a favorite food I could get them or something. Misery doesn't have to be from a broken bone to be real - or to be treatable.
Critic:
There's no cure for being a lazy person.
Demeter:
That's why I've got the CBT thing going on. Just yesterday, when I was feeling better, I cleaned out my whole car! I'm doing laundry even though I want to find a safe warm spot and sleep and hide. I can do two things at once, and when I'm feeling better, I'll be able to do even more.
Critic:
There's no evidence at all that you're going to ever feel better.
Demeter:
There's lots of evidence to suggest it's possible, and no real evidence that proves it's impossible. And hope and trying is better than the bleak "we're all doomed, I'm a terrible person forever" path you seem to be so into me taking.
Critic:
You're still a wimp.
Demeter:
Have you noticed how much less productive these conversations are now that I've been to so much therapy? Yeah, me too. I think you need better evidence to prove that I'm a wimp before I start accepting it just like that. Talk to you later.

Filed under inner critic CBT depression self esteem therapy bipolar discontinuation discontinuation syndrome

3 notes

Me and my Inner Critic, part 3

Demeter:
I feel lousy today.
Critic:
That's because you're weak and useless. You should be pulling yourself by your bootstraps and getting on with things. Feeling better is a choice.
Demeter:
I don't even have boots. And I don't think feeling better is something I can just choose to be. These are chemicals in my brain that are messing me up right now.
Critic:
You wouldn't need to be on drugs if you'd just work harder, and you know it.
Demeter:
I don't know it, not really. Trying to get myself to work harder without drugs has never worked for very long, and you know that.
Critic:
Again, weak and useless. You're always feeling lousy or unable to do things. The only constant here is you, have you noticed that yet?
Demeter:
Well, that's because this is my body, and my life, and my perspective. Of course I'm the only constant. And look at everyone else in the program - they have lots of troubles too.
Critic:
None of them skipped today.
Demeter:
Oh, we don't know that at all. Come on. Besides, I stopped a drug known for having serious side effects when attempting discontinuation. This isn't a huge mystery.
Critic:
You should be handling it better, though. You're too sensitive.
Demeter:
Maybe I am, but I'm trying to deal with what I've been handed here. I got out of bed and made lunch and updated my anti-virus software and stuff. That counts for something.
Critic:
Not much. Not what you should be doing.
Demeter:
Hey, remember yesterday? I must do the things I have agreed to do, provided they do no harm to me or others. I agreed to stay home and take care of myself today.
Critic:
You just made that up to look good in class.
Demeter:
I don't know. The counselor said he was proud of me. I think maybe that's real.
Critic:
You also said you didn't know if you believed it.
Demeter:
Yeah, well, I can choose to believe in what I want to. It's up to me.
Critic:
You're just making excuses for your own inadequacies.
Demeter:
I don't think so. I think I'm doing what I can do today, what I agreed to do, what I was asked to do. I think that has to be enough. And I think I've had enough of this for now.

Filed under inner critic discontinuation discontinuation syndrome weakness feeling lousy

2 notes

Soup helps

I am so glad I got out of bed and made that soup.  I can still feel the headache on the edge of my brain (does that even make sense?)  And I’m still clammy and weird.  But the chills have faded for a bit (warm soup!) and with the heater up the sweat isn’t freezing on my face right now.  I was even able to draft a journal entry.

I am a hot mess, but one which is currently well fed, and for that I am grateful.

Filed under Geodon atypical antipsychotic discontinuation discontinuation syndrome

7 notes

Self-talk

I got myself out of bed and cooking a late dinner (chicken soup) on the strength of positive self-talk.  Today’s winning phrases:

  • This is not actually life-threatening, it’s just really uncomfortable, and you can deal with it for a little while.
  • Chills and a fever aren’t the end of the world, and soup will help.
  • No one will blame you for hating this, but you will feel better if you take care of yourself.
  • Just get up for a little while, no promises.
  • If it gets to be too much you can stop.
  • The headache is a lot less bad than it was, you can take advantage of that right now.
  • You can call your sisters later if you need them, but right now just try on your own.
  • You don’t have to go to a hospital just yet, and if you do need them, they’ll be there after the soup is done.

Okay, fine, I’m cooking on the strength of positive self-talk and 800mg of Advil.  And a cleansing email to my case manager.

Filed under psychology Geodon discontinuation discontinuation syndrome atypical antipsychotic the opposite of fun

1 note

Oh my gosh I’m kind of hating Geodon right this minute

So, while I was on it, I got:

  • Total exhaustion
  • Feeling stupid
  • Unable to concentrate
  • Sleeping all the time
  • Sleeping very poorly
  • Clenched jaw

And now that I’m off it, I get:

  • Low-grade fever
  • Chills
  • Cold sweats
  • Headache
  • Clenched jaw

I am like a freaking poster child for “do not take atypical antipsychotics unless you absolutely have to.”

Filed under Geodon medication discontinuation discontinuation syndrome bipolar atypical antipsychotic