Posts tagged atypical depression
Posts tagged atypical depression
The thought just occurred to me, as I sent a little update to my counselor at work… if they didn’t have this program every day, at 8:45am sharp, I’d almost certainly be in bed and not leave. The naps are a killer, but that would have just been really a sucker of life right there.
Because the naps are just absolutely driving me batty. The one I just woke up from was almost two hours long. I had the “fun” playlist going at a very slightly reduced volume, hoping that it would interfere a bit because I knew I was more tired than usual at this time of day. Part of me is hoping that this didn’t work because if it did work, that probably means I’d have slept till 8pm.
Okay, I need a cheerful song. Hang on.
So right as I finished eating lunch (now that they let us out at noon I have to do something with myself and today I just came home to eat) I felt really tired and bleh. So I set the alarm on the microwave to 70 minutes and I went to the couch and I fell asleep.
I woke up a minute before the microwave alarm beeped.
I freaking hate depression. Sucker-away-of-life is much less brief a name, but oh so appropriate.
In an effort to be a little bit more objective when describing my situation with sleep and sleepiness, I’m creating a sleep diary for the weekend that I’m going to ask my case manager to turn in to my psychiatrist in the program on Monday. So far I’m counting an average of 4.5 less-than-fully-awake hours and 3 nap hours per day. Plus about 8 hours of actual sleep.
No wonder I wasn’t getting anything accomplished at work.
One of my goals for this weekend was, and I quote from my goal list made in the relapse prevention session on Friday here, “practice having fun.” And my positive self-talk message was “going slow is OK, just keep going when you can.” My realistic measure of growth, progress, or accomplishments was “taking as many breaks as I need.” So by any pre-set standard, today was a great day.
I think that music has a secret door straight to the limbic system in my brain. I’ve been super sleepy this morning (shocking, I know) and so after taking an hour or two long nap, I decided to put on the “fun” playlist on my computer. Now, it’s like… 20 hours of music or something. I’m not going to tell you the whole list. But this is the last half hour or so (in reverse order; as I type this I’m listening to VeggieTales):
My craving for carbs is so strong right now, I’m considering having burritos for breakfast.
On the other hand, perhaps I should take this opportunity to address my OCD-ish food rules a bit. I hate breakfast-for-dinner and dinner-for-breakfast meals, and always have, and can’t explain why.
I ate a HUGE meal at Buca de Beppo. HUGE. That was done at 6pm. It is now 8:30 and what I really want to do is cook myself up a can of refried beans and have burritos.
ATYPICAL DEPRESSION GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE NOW PLEASE THANK YOU. Grr.
Today was a hard one, and I am not really sure why.
Just talking with M, my friend from out west (hi, M) about various things that my therapist and I have agreed to disagree on (with regard to whether they qualify as trauma.) And as I sit here waiting for a reply, I realize… I am so tired. So, so tired. Out of it in general (just realized I forgot to take the Geodon during dinner, glargh) and sleepy as all get out. Yes I did just type “as all get out.” Deal with it, I’m too sleepy to be less of a hick. Oh, and check it out, a little grouchy, too. Bleh.