Posts tagged anxiety

I had to go to the pharmacy to get my scripts from yesterday filled, and that used up my laundry-doing energy, I think.  The increase in my Buspar that started as of yesterday made today very, very sleepy. And, I have to take the nighttime dose for today right now so that I have a hope of waking up OK tomorrow.

I am almost completely certain I have enough clean clothes to get through tomorrow, and I am definitely certain I don’t need to go anywhere after work tomorrow.  So I’ll give the laundry thing another shot tomorrow if I don’t feel better in a little while.

(Seriously, I am tempted to drink some soda for the sugar rush to combat this sleepiness.  It is 7pm and I want to be in bed…)

My anxiety and other stuff is getting triggered in all kinds of ways, so if you’re looking for me on any social media site, don’t.  I’ll try again tomorrow.

(I really recommend that those of us who are prone to anxiety just shut it down and read a happy book or write some poetry or something.  It is not healthy to wallow in this stuff, especially when you know the effects are going to be bad.  And you’re not helping anyone by suffering!)

I know that I have major “anxiety” issues, and I accepted the “OCD” diagnosis pretty fast, and so on and so on.  Obviously, I have many well-earned diagnoses; for the most part this is something I don’t forget because they interfere with my life all the freaking time.

The panic disorder was a little less a part of my self-concept, though - it’s easy to tell yourself that you were “just uncomfortable” or that you “made a big deal out of nothing,” particularly when your doctors aren’t completely confident themselves (everyone agrees I’m agoraphobic; the question has always been about panic, particularly since I’m so avoidant in general and because I’ve never had the heart-attack/going-to-die thing the way a lot of people do.)

Read below only if you don’t have problems with physical purity/cleanliness/contamination triggers.

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My social anxiety/isolation plus my sister’s dysthymia and general frustration with life… sigh.

Her dysthymia manifests itself externally largely through aggression and irritability; I am terrified by demonstrations of aggression and irritability in others.  I like having her over for dinner - it’s often the only meaningful social interaction I have at all in any given week - but there are many distressing moments and I keep finding myself relieved after she’s been gone for a few minutes.

(Today I only felt like crying two or three times, and it only felt like she was angry with me… five or six times, I think.  This is a little better than average.  I really wish she was under less stress.)

I’ve got a meeting scheduled tomorrow that I’m nervous/excited about.

Right now I’m writing down all the ideas that are swirling around in my head about the meeting, and classifying them as either unrealistic or realistic.

I’m not allowed to play any computer games until I’ve finished this exercise, and also one about the (totally different, much scarier) meeting I have on Thursday.

If I could feel stable for a little while.

I used to love that show, in part because it had the hero dealing with some of the kinds of things I did as a kid.

Now, my reaction to it alternates between being furious (when they get things brutally wrong) and deeply uncomfortable (when they get things way too right.)

I keep finding myself thinking things like:

• That is NOT how being committed to a hospital for observation works.
• You would NEVER do this to someone with serious anxiety.
• This is not funny.

That’s probably the biggest thing: it’s fundamentally a comedy, and my obsessions and compulsions cause me more pain than laughter.

I’m sort of hoping that at some point I can like that show again - maybe when some of my symptoms calm down and I’m in a better place in my life.  But I’ve taken it off of my “to watch” list for now.

It means you’re still trying to get better - taking care of yourself, putting your health ahead of the stigma and the spending the cash on pizza and the rest of the things you could be putting first.

Thinking that taking your meds is a sign you’ve failed is like thinking that people who use crutches for a broken leg are just weak, and that diabetics who monitor their glucose and take insulin just aren’t trying hard enough.

It literally makes no sense.

I send electronic hugs to people all the time - probably five to ten times a day, with HUGE peaks here and there.  It comes easy to me, especially because I’m not very good with providing comforting verbal statements (I’ve never gotten the hang of that; I always go straight to problem-solving.)

But I can barely stand to be touched in person, and probably get hugs five to ten times a year. Once or twice from my mom, and the rest from Church members who haven’t noticed how touchy I am.  I haven’t hugged my next-youngest sister since she was about four years old (22 years ago) and the next younger from her in at least four or five years.

This admittedly helps a lot with the whole “keeping the law of chastity” thing.  When I have a boyfriend.  Which happens about once a decade.  Because I’m afraid of being touched, being emotionally vulnerable, and of being around strangers or men or groups or just one person.  Ahem.