Stuff from me

Posts tagged anxiety

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I think my brain turns most every overstimulating sensation (emotion, thought, physical touch, etc.) into fear/anxiety


I don’t go places and do things (agoraphobic avoidance, regular avoidance) not because I’m scared of being unable to escape - it’s because I know that I’ll be deeply uncomfortable, and I don’t want to have to go through that (honestly, who would want to?)  And once I get there and the sensation load increases, the uncomfortableness leads to me feel vaguely and increasingly unsafe, in addition to all the other uncomfortableness, and leaving reduces all of those sensations.  It gets a lot worse once I become disoriented, which usually happens at a fairly predictable point - sooner at a political rally full of people I know at a place I’ve been to twenty times than at a library in a city I’ve never been to before.  And it’s a very steady increase: the only solution is to withdraw for an extended period, and possibly take a nap.  I still feel agitated and hypervigilant for several hours.  Oh, except taking my ADHD meds helps, as long as I don’t put it off long enough to lead to real panicky symptoms.  The random noise in my work area (cubicle paradise) leads to less anger and less crying/fear/need to escape after my 1pm dose, and is highest right around 11am-noon.

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Filed under avoidance anxiety sensory overload overstimulation sensory processing disorder

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Last night my internet connection wasn’t working

And despite the fact I’ve actually worked in tech support and can promise you that:

  • The series of green blinking lights on my modem indicated that there was something actually wrong at the company, and
  • That if you forget to pay them they always let you get to the company’s “pay us now” page so you can pay them,

I was still basically like “argh, I probably just didn’t pay them, I’ll go to bed and deal with it in the morning.”

And then this morning I was all keyed up with anxiety over calling them (as in, I woke up an hour earlier than I absolutely have to - in the middle of a major depressive episode) and I pulled up my phone and… the connection was working again.  Took downloading about forty different webpages just to be confident in the result, even though it typically takes about 45 seconds at most to determine that the wifi isn’t getting through to the internet.

Chronic anxiety plus ADHD.  Gotta love it.

(note: the ADHD is the root source of a good deal of my anxiety; I’ve learned through sad experience that “Demeter screwed up” or “Demeter forgot” is a very reasonable explanation for a lot of things that go wrong.)

Filed under ADHD anxiety

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I got myself to take out some of the recycling today

Trash and recycling and I have a hate-hate relationship.  I hate touching it, and I hate being around it.  Usually my “hate of touching” wins out over the “hate of being around,” which results in weeks and weeks of trash and recycling piling up.

I’m much better about this than I used to be - there was about a year or so where almost nothing ever left my apartment except myself and my backpack (and we both came home every night.)  It gets much worse when I’m depressed, but I think the worst I’ve been in the last year or so is something like 8-10 weeks between trash runs.  In part because my therapist and I see each other every two weeks and I usually get really annoyed by about week 6 and we talk about it and then I take the trash out and feel really crappy for a while and then really really relieved and proud of myself.  And the cycle begins again.


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Filed under OCD anxiety getting things done hoarding no I wasn't kidding about any of this - not one bit of it is at all overblown sadly enough mental illness

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Apparently I decide whether or not to double-bag my groceries based in part on how embarrassing it would be to have the bag fall apart on me.

The two jars of peanut butter (plastic, with a tendency to roll in circles and stop) weigh almost the same as the five cans of refried beans (tin cans, with a tendency to roll and roll and roll and roll, and also dent, and occasionally explode.)  The cans will also make a more noticeable amount of noise if they fall, because there’s five of them and metal makes a louder sound AND they’re more densely packed than the PB.

(Other factors include sharp edges and the likelihood I could catch things.  Everything favored the PB, really.  Somewhat ironically, the only bag that ripped was the one with the Twizzlers and tunafish packets - and no, it did not all fall out; if it had I would have had to get a new grocery store.)

Filed under shopping anxiety yes really

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Or, alternatively, I could go to bed at 7pm…

I had to go to the pharmacy to get my scripts from yesterday filled, and that used up my laundry-doing energy, I think.  The increase in my Buspar that started as of yesterday made today very, very sleepy. And, I have to take the nighttime dose for today right now so that I have a hope of waking up OK tomorrow.

I am almost completely certain I have enough clean clothes to get through tomorrow, and I am definitely certain I don’t need to go anywhere after work tomorrow.  So I’ll give the laundry thing another shot tomorrow if I don’t feel better in a little while.

(Seriously, I am tempted to drink some soda for the sugar rush to combat this sleepiness.  It is 7pm and I want to be in bed…)

Filed under Buspar mental illness bipolar anxiety

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I’m turning off the internet right now

My anxiety and other stuff is getting triggered in all kinds of ways, so if you’re looking for me on any social media site, don’t.  I’ll try again tomorrow.

(I really recommend that those of us who are prone to anxiety just shut it down and read a happy book or write some poetry or something.  It is not healthy to wallow in this stuff, especially when you know the effects are going to be bad.  And you’re not helping anyone by suffering!)

Filed under anxiety Boston mental illness self care