Posts tagged adhd
Posts tagged adhd
(1) I couldn’t remember the name of my favorite Mexican restaurant. At all. I knew it had two syllables in it, I was describing in detail the street corner it’s on and giving the names of about fifteen of the nearest commercial neighbors, and I was close to remembering exactly how to drive there, complete with street names. I finally just opened the Wikipedia article “List of restaurant chains in the United States" and read it while mouthing the words, till I spotted the right one/the words felt right in my mouth. I wish it started with "A" not "D" - that was a lot of scrolling on my phone.
(2) I tried taking a break from the favorite-Mexican-restaurant-memory-quiz by going to get my Adderall and Vyvanse in my system because that really does help with stuff like this. And I discovered that I’d doubled the dosage on my AM Buspar doses. For the entire next week. Which I set up on Saturday evening, when I was (I thought) being super functional.
(*) There was also last night, just before bed. I stepped forward to put my Sunday (empty) pill box back with the other pill boxes, and I stepped onto the frame holding one of my Boggle (the depression owl) prints. Glass into a bazillion pieces. The reason I was stepping forward and not paying much attention was because I’ve lost several pill boxes lately and didn’t want to lose any more. The reason the frame was under my feet is because there was a ton of stuff that needs to be shredded (from the pharmacy - they give you a million pieces of paper,) and I hadn’t realized the frame was underneath it in probably six weeks.
Sometimes, I just, ugh.
Like, OK, on the one hand, my verbal IQ is embarrassingly high and I nearly got a perfect score on the verbal SAT - but it’s torture reading poetry because I really just can’t wrap my brain around it.
Or, I go from being able to read and explain seriously complex scholarly articles about the nature of depression and exactly how SSRIs are theorized to work (lately) to having to sit quietly coloring something designed for five-year-olds because anything harder makes me cry.
Or, I can write 10,000 words in a day for NaNoWriMo, but I can’t get myself out of bed on time to get in to work - even when I have something I’m really looking forward to at work that day.
Or, I can spend hours reading websites about how and why emotions work, and use what I’ve learned to write more authentic-feeling novels - and then immediately proceed to screwing up every single interpersonal interaction I have in real life.
My greatest strengths happen to be housed in the exact same spot as most of my biggest weaknesses, and it’s just extremely frustrating sometimes.
I can’t seem to focus on anything for very long - not sure what the deal is. I’ve had to turn off the TV altogether, and am on my third MP3 playlist (I’m this close to making a custom “I really need to concentrate” list, or actually turning on the playlist I use to make myself go to sleep.)
Anyway, I’m taking a break from words while waiting for the Adderall to kick in (I normally never take it on the weekends.) It’ll be me, the “calm” playlist, and a coloring book for the next half hour or so.
One of the really easy coloring pages, BTW. With markers. Because I don’t think I can even handle deciding which one of the pencils to use right this minute.
(I hate it when this happens.)
And despite the fact I’ve actually worked in tech support and can promise you that:
I was still basically like “argh, I probably just didn’t pay them, I’ll go to bed and deal with it in the morning.”
And then this morning I was all keyed up with anxiety over calling them (as in, I woke up an hour earlier than I absolutely have to - in the middle of a major depressive episode) and I pulled up my phone and… the connection was working again. Took downloading about forty different webpages just to be confident in the result, even though it typically takes about 45 seconds at most to determine that the wifi isn’t getting through to the internet.
Chronic anxiety plus ADHD. Gotta love it.
(note: the ADHD is the root source of a good deal of my anxiety; I’ve learned through sad experience that “Demeter screwed up” or “Demeter forgot” is a very reasonable explanation for a lot of things that go wrong.)
By doing my laundry.
OK, no, not really - I mean, yeah, I’m doing my laundry (it’s become a week-long process, thank you so much stressful work situation.) It’s not really for therapy. But J will be happy when I tell her I’m doing it.
And there’s still, I think, an entire suitable-for-work outfit left in my closet/chest of drawers, which is always a nice thing to be able to say on the day you do laundry.
(By “weeklong process” I mean that there are 8 line items on my to-do list that break down the steps of doing laundry, and I only seem to be able to cross off two or three on any one day.)
They decided to change every single person’s card (and card number.) In the whole bank. All at once. In the middle of the month.
And you had to wait till exactly the right day to use the new one - it was literally “on Saturday use the old one, on Sunday cut up the old one and start using the new one.” If you tried telling PayPal or Amazon or whoever to use the new number on Saturday, it’d get denied. If you tried to buy something on a site that had the old card number stored on Sunday, it’d get denied.
The only reasons this hasn’t been a complete and epic disaster for me are that:
So far only one thing - my cell phone - has been shut off. I got it restored about six hours after it went down, which is also pretty freaking impressive (this was three days after I put my new registration sticker on my license plate - the first time that’s ever happened in fifteen years of driving.)
And having the phone shut off helped me remember to change the cable company and the car insurance company… and typing that out just now reminded me that I have to change my rental insurance company (need to write that down RIGHT NOW.)
Finally paid my LabCorp bill.
They only had to send me reminders for
three four months straight this time! There have been places that have had to wait a lot longer than that.
This is why they need to just flipping let me pay at the time I actually get the blood draw done. I’m seriously considering just setting my bank to automatically write them a check every January 1st for about $150, with a note begging them to please just apply it to my account so that I’ll never fall behind.
That’s basically what I did with the gas company that made its auto-pay system too hard to sign up for: after over a year of constantly being hugely behind and me owing them like $80 before I’d finally get all the pieces together such that they got paid, I set my bank to automatically send them a check for $15 every month, and by the time I moved out they owed me $60. Literally, that’s the only thing I’ve ever been able to come up with that works for recurring payments, in the absence of the company having its own freaking auto-pay system.
I love auto-pay. All the things should be auto-pay.
And then I would further like to invite them to BITE ME.
The really sad part is that I still haven’t been able to train myself to put the cups away in that cupboard - I always try to put them away in the cupboard I moved them from in 2010.
(I caught myself after opening the door and lifting the milk up to the cup shelf; I think the reason I caught myself is that the milk is twice as tall as the shelf.)
The trouble with taking on new projects, for me, is that it lets my impatience shine through like nothing else. I have lots of practice trying to be patient with things that I’ve seen happen a gazillion times, but this whole “I planted a seed and it should become a green thing probably” deal is new (in the sense that Reagan was President the last time I tried it.) The seeds were planted per the instructions on the bag on Sunday, and quite frankly, they should already be several inches tall as far as I’m concerned.
(It also bothers me that this was a “wildflower” mix, and so it included lots of inorganic matter like sand to help make distributing the seeds easier… and so I can see all these flecks on the ground and it makes me worry that none of the seeds are under the dirt even though I’m sure they are. Because I put enough seeds for 1600 square feet of soil on 10 square feet, amongst other things.)