Demeter

Stuff from me

Posts tagged IOP

7 notes

I feel weird and nervous and on edge and out of sorts and such…

It was very hard getting to sleep and staying asleep last night and it’s very very hard to keep from getting dressed and running to the hospital and begging them to please let me keep going to the program. This is even more scary than the day I stepped down from partial to IOP. And I am totally experiencing (mild) discontinuation syndrome stuff again. Woe is me. Woe woe woe woe woe.

Filed under anxiety bipolar depression discharge discontinuation fear geodon insomnia iop php woe Partial Hospitalization intensive outpatient

8 notes

Last day, ack

Today is my last day of intensive outpatient.  On the one hand, I think I’ve learned most of what they teach there.  On the other hand, I’m still depressed (just not nearly as much) and I still have massive social anxiety and my brain is still foggy and my meds aren’t right and ACK.

The trouble with the program is that it revealed just how badly off I really was.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to 100% and that’s scary.  Especially because my concentration is still so terrible I don’t think I can do the things I need to at work still.

But one day at a time, right?

Filed under intensive outpatient Partial Hospitalization IOP php mental health mental disorder mental illness bipolar depression recovery

6 notes

Me and my Inner Critic

Critic:
You have no friends and no boyfriend and are all alone because you're difficult, obnoxious, and irritating.
Demeter:
I am not all alone, though I don't have as many in-person friends as I'd like. And the reason for that is mostly that I've been too scared to go out and see people.
Critic:
You're scared of people because you're going to screw things up like you do every time.
Demeter:
It's true that I have made serious errors in the past, but that's not a guarantee of how the future is going to go. And calling it "screwing up" is a little harsh. If anyone else made the mistakes I made, I would say things like they were having a hard day, or they were pushed past their limit, or there were misunderstandings on both sides, or something like that.
Critic:
But you're not anybody else. You're supposed to be better than that.
Demeter:
Says who? All are equal in the eyes of God, remember? I'm on this earth to make mistakes and learn from them and try my best. Being perfect is a higher calling that hasn't been given to me, last I checked.
Critic:
You should still do better than other people. You have lots of potential that's being totally wasted.
Demeter:
Everyone has unused potential. And I'm working hard to get better every day.
Critic:
You don't work as hard as you say you do. You're a great big fraud, and people are going to figure that out someday.
Demeter:
Most of the time I probably could work harder. But I keep making some kind of an effort, and maybe that's just going to have to be OK for now. And lots of pretty smart people seem to think I'm doing all right. Remember that award I got?
Critic:
You should have done so much more for that award and you know it. You did a halfway job; their standards were just too low.
Demeter:
You know what? Maybe their standards were too low, but the work I did do was good enough to get an unusual award, so maybe it was enough even if I could have done more. No need to gild the lily.
Critic:
The point isn't to please other people. The point is to do the best job possible.
Demeter:
I was in the middle of an increasing depressive episode at the time. This was a side job - not the thing I was hired to do, but something I volunteered to do. Spending infinite resources on it would have been irresponsible and illogical.
Critic:
Just admit it, you want a free pass to do whatever you want.
Demeter:
Doesn't everybody? I did a good job on that stuff, and I did an OK job on the things I was hired to do in the first place. And like I said, I was in a depressive episode, so don't let's get started on all the things I was putting off. That's why I went to the hospital to work and get better.
Critic:
You shouldn't be there. You should just suck it up and work harder. You know that's all you really need to do.
Demeter:
We're out of time, so I'm going to have to stop this here. But I will say that psychiatric illnesses are real, and I think that if I could have just sucked it up and worked harder, I wouldn't be risking my career by going to the hospital. I didn't know what else to do and trying to make myself feel bad wasn't actually getting me to work harder. And it turns out they've been able to help me with a lot of things I didn't even know were issues that could be worked on. So I'm glad I went, and I think, given what they've written down, that they're glad I asked for help.

Filed under inner critic cbt therapy depression bipolar intensive outpatient Partial Hospitalization iop php

1 note

I really ought to ask for an earlier appointment with the program psychiatrist…

Because the naps are just absolutely driving me batty.  The one I just woke up from was almost two hours long.  I had the “fun” playlist going at a very slightly reduced volume, hoping that it would interfere a bit because I knew I was more tired than usual at this time of day.  Part of me is hoping that this didn’t work because if it did work, that probably means I’d have slept till 8pm.

Okay, I need a cheerful song.  Hang on.

Filed under Hypersomnia atypical depression sleep nap bipolar intensive outpatient psychiatric IOP

Notes

Three to four weeks

My case manager wasn’t in today (they have weird schedules to accommodate the evening program participants) so I didn’t get to ask her, but I did check in with the program’s coordinator, and he says they’re pretty confident about that.  Counting from the 7th, and assuming they mean whole weeks (i.e. that the 12th, today, is the start of week 1) then that means I shouldn’t expect to be back at work till October.  Possibly not till after Columbus day.

Read more …

Filed under Partial Hospitalization intensive outpatient php IOP depression bipolar social anxiety treatment progress

1 note

Introductions Are In Order This is my current pictorial representation of my inner critic.  She’s the ideal me - the one who never screwed up, who is skinny and healthy and wears Brooks Brothers suits and never makes typos.  She’s a scientist and a lawyer and the heir apparent to one of the better Senator’s seats.  She cooks everything from scratch and eats sensible portions of new and interesting things practically every day.  She has four kids who can be difficult, but she always says the right things to them.  She never loses track of things or time or what she’s doing, she doesn’t waste or overspend.  She’s adhered to every piece of good advice she’s ever had, and always does better on something every time she does it, not that anyone can ever find anything wrong with what she’s done.  Everyone wants to be her friend, and she never forgets any of their names.  She’s hiked long treks dozens of times, she rides her bike several times a week, she understands Yoga, she swims, she ice skates.  She saves half of what she earns and pays a full tithe and sings in the choir.  She is pretty and knows what to do with her hair; her teeth and her birthmark were handled way back when she was a teenager and she’s honestly mostly forgotten about them.  She doesn’t need medications, but she takes vitamins just to be safe.  She gets her flu shot and has always been a blood donor and fully up-to-date on her inoculations.  She’s not scared of needles and gets Pap smears and cholesterol tests done according to the current national guidelines.  She loves going to church and parties and knows what to say in every situation. She is totally amazing and she has absolutely no patience for me. (This was an assignment from my case manager at IOP, and anyone can steal it, as far as I know, because it’s a really common thing apparently.)

Introductions Are In Order

This is my current pictorial representation of my inner critic.  She’s the ideal me - the one who never screwed up, who is skinny and healthy and wears Brooks Brothers suits and never makes typos.  She’s a scientist and a lawyer and the heir apparent to one of the better Senator’s seats.  She cooks everything from scratch and eats sensible portions of new and interesting things practically every day.  She has four kids who can be difficult, but she always says the right things to them.  She never loses track of things or time or what she’s doing, she doesn’t waste or overspend. 

She’s adhered to every piece of good advice she’s ever had, and always does better on something every time she does it, not that anyone can ever find anything wrong with what she’s done.  Everyone wants to be her friend, and she never forgets any of their names.  She’s hiked long treks dozens of times, she rides her bike several times a week, she understands Yoga, she swims, she ice skates.  She saves half of what she earns and pays a full tithe and sings in the choir.  She is pretty and knows what to do with her hair; her teeth and her birthmark were handled way back when she was a teenager and she’s honestly mostly forgotten about them.  She doesn’t need medications, but she takes vitamins just to be safe.  She gets her flu shot and has always been a blood donor and fully up-to-date on her inoculations.  She’s not scared of needles and gets Pap smears and cholesterol tests done according to the current national guidelines.  She loves going to church and parties and knows what to say in every situation.

She is totally amazing and she has absolutely no patience for me.

(This was an assignment from my case manager at IOP, and anyone can steal it, as far as I know, because it’s a really common thing apparently.)

Filed under inner critic homework intensive outpatient IOP therapy CBT

11 notes

Practicing for church

One of the things they talk about doing in my program is the “fifteen minute rule.”  It means trying something, or getting close to trying something, for just a little bit, or just halfway, and seeing how it feels.  You’re not committing to doing the whole thing, just testing the waters, getting cozy with the idea, giving it a shot, being realistic in the sense that you’re sure you can pull it off.  So instead of saying “I’m going to clean my house,” you say “I’m going to go around and pick up books and papers and put them in stacks for fifteen minutes.”  You’re limiting it to something that’s definitely possible, so you don’t put yourself in a position to fail.

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Filed under fifteen minute rule sabbath church social anxiety intensive outpatient IOP bipolar depression