Posts tagged IOP
Posts tagged IOP
It was very hard getting to sleep and staying asleep last night and it’s very very hard to keep from getting dressed and running to the hospital and begging them to please let me keep going to the program. This is even more scary than the day I stepped down from partial to IOP. And I am totally experiencing (mild) discontinuation syndrome stuff again. Woe is me. Woe woe woe woe woe.
Today is my last day of intensive outpatient. On the one hand, I think I’ve learned most of what they teach there. On the other hand, I’m still depressed (just not nearly as much) and I still have massive social anxiety and my brain is still foggy and my meds aren’t right and ACK.
The trouble with the program is that it revealed just how badly off I really was. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to 100% and that’s scary. Especially because my concentration is still so terrible I don’t think I can do the things I need to at work still.
But one day at a time, right?
I do feel like I’m making progress in this program. I do think the med changes are probably helpful. I do feel hopeful about the future again. And I am glad I did it.
My case manager emailed to say I did a good job on the inner critic thing! Yay!
(I am SO motivated by pleasing others, and yes I know it’s not entirely healthy, but I’ve decided it’s OK to feel good about this.)
The thought just occurred to me, as I sent a little update to my counselor at work… if they didn’t have this program every day, at 8:45am sharp, I’d almost certainly be in bed and not leave. The naps are a killer, but that would have just been really a sucker of life right there.
Because the naps are just absolutely driving me batty. The one I just woke up from was almost two hours long. I had the “fun” playlist going at a very slightly reduced volume, hoping that it would interfere a bit because I knew I was more tired than usual at this time of day. Part of me is hoping that this didn’t work because if it did work, that probably means I’d have slept till 8pm.
Okay, I need a cheerful song. Hang on.
My case manager wasn’t in today (they have weird schedules to accommodate the evening program participants) so I didn’t get to ask her, but I did check in with the program’s coordinator, and he says they’re pretty confident about that. Counting from the 7th, and assuming they mean whole weeks (i.e. that the 12th, today, is the start of week 1) then that means I shouldn’t expect to be back at work till October. Possibly not till after Columbus day.
Introductions Are In Order
This is my current pictorial representation of my inner critic. She’s the ideal me - the one who never screwed up, who is skinny and healthy and wears Brooks Brothers suits and never makes typos. She’s a scientist and a lawyer and the heir apparent to one of the better Senator’s seats. She cooks everything from scratch and eats sensible portions of new and interesting things practically every day. She has four kids who can be difficult, but she always says the right things to them. She never loses track of things or time or what she’s doing, she doesn’t waste or overspend.
She’s adhered to every piece of good advice she’s ever had, and always does better on something every time she does it, not that anyone can ever find anything wrong with what she’s done. Everyone wants to be her friend, and she never forgets any of their names. She’s hiked long treks dozens of times, she rides her bike several times a week, she understands Yoga, she swims, she ice skates. She saves half of what she earns and pays a full tithe and sings in the choir. She is pretty and knows what to do with her hair; her teeth and her birthmark were handled way back when she was a teenager and she’s honestly mostly forgotten about them. She doesn’t need medications, but she takes vitamins just to be safe. She gets her flu shot and has always been a blood donor and fully up-to-date on her inoculations. She’s not scared of needles and gets Pap smears and cholesterol tests done according to the current national guidelines. She loves going to church and parties and knows what to say in every situation.
She is totally amazing and she has absolutely no patience for me.
(This was an assignment from my case manager at IOP, and anyone can steal it, as far as I know, because it’s a really common thing apparently.)
One of the things they talk about doing in my program is the “fifteen minute rule.” It means trying something, or getting close to trying something, for just a little bit, or just halfway, and seeing how it feels. You’re not committing to doing the whole thing, just testing the waters, getting cozy with the idea, giving it a shot, being realistic in the sense that you’re sure you can pull it off. So instead of saying “I’m going to clean my house,” you say “I’m going to go around and pick up books and papers and put them in stacks for fifteen minutes.” You’re limiting it to something that’s definitely possible, so you don’t put yourself in a position to fail.