In a way I suppose one ought to have the viewpoint that therapy isn’t really doing its job if it isn’t difficult.  But today was harder than usual.  And that’s despite the fact that we didn’t even once bring up my intellectualization of my emotions.  Heh.

Part of the issue - maybe the core of it - is that I just do not handle surprises, “soon this thing you have little information about will take place” situations, and talking about myself and my performance.  I also have very low self-esteem, a very poor self-concept, am prone to self-loathing, etc.  Not to mention the fact that I have, for various reasons (most notably a major depressive episode) done a legitimately not-great job over the last year.  And, uh, I found out late this afternoon that tomorrow morning I have a performance evaluation (for 2010-2011) scheduled with my boss.

So it’s really not all that surprising that I spent half the time in tears, and my therapist was all “has Dr. E ever suggested you go on [list of drugs for obsessional thinking]?”  I think she was kind of frustrated with me - at one point she said “how willing are you to actually change the way you’re thinking about this stuff?”  And I mean, she has a totally valid point.  I am kind of the psychoeducational whiz kid - I know the terminology, I know the theoretical models, I can recite the advice.  And I still end up all weepy and “I hate myself and want to die and everything is ruined for EVER” whenever I encounter the slightest little bump in the road.  Or even just imagine one.

Anyway, it was a hard session and I’m glad it’s done.  My goals for tonight are to treat myself well: do my minimum NaNoWriMo words, actually eat dinner, continue to build my gratitude chain, and watch Star Trek.  I’ll let tomorrow take care of itself.