July 2012
85 posts
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 30
Day 30 - What is the best part about being in recovery?
I made it! I did it! And I only missed one day (did two the next to make up for it) the whole month! Wow!
Ahem. Anyway.[[MORE]]
The best thing about recovery is probably the fact that you can’t fail at it. Like, it can be better or worse at different times. It can feel like crap. You can take a step backwards or a long...
June 2012
109 posts
I really really really really
Wish that Tumblr would let me turn off specific images on the dashboard thing. There are some that are really triggering/horrific.
I am hugely grateful because...
I have power right now. Hardly anything of mine even got knocked around or whatever - my little folding plastic table fell down on the patio, and that’s it. Oh, yeah, and I have to reprogram my microwave’s clock, because the power flickered for like a second.
My sisters came over from our mom’s house for the morning because the house didn’t have power and there’s a...
Tomorrow I go and see J.
J and I set up a meeting on the day I quit DBT - actually like a few days before that, I think… maybe it wasn’t official until I quit. ANYWAY. [[MORE]]
She doesn’t tend to have a lot of openings - she’s pretty popular - so we had to set it for the 30th. I’ve been without a therapist for about a month, though I did go see L, my EAP counselor, and I went to two...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 29
Day 29 - What are some of my favorite recovery-related blogs/sites?
Wow, I can’t believe I’ve done this for this whole month. Neat.[[MORE]]
ANYWAY.
Some of my favorite sites are, off the top of my head:
Research & Information
Wikipedia
National Institute of Mental Health
MedlinePlus
Drugs.com Interactions Checker
About.com
CrazyMeds
Supportive Organizations, Etc.
...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 28
Day 28 - What is my greatest strength?
Glargh. I hate this kind of question.[[MORE]]
I guess, if I have to pick one thing and say it’s really 100% a “strength,” it would be intelligence. I really am smart. Even when I’m significantly impaired due to meds or anxiety or depression or whatever, I’m quite certain my IQ is still well above 110.
This is strictly book...
I went to NAMI Connection tonight.
It was OK. I wasn’t the person who had the worst week, by even a long shot. And people had some good advice/thoughts about the disability thing. We also shared loads of information about the character and style of five or six regional psychiatric facilities (inpatient, partial, IOP,) which was good. I’ve gotten confirmation about the substance-abuse focus of one local hospital...
Packing Lists for Missionaries →
My advice: take less than you are inclined to. Every single time you transfer you have to pack it all back up and drag it somewhere. You know how they’re all like “less than 70 pounds?” Yeah, no. Less than 35 pounds would be better.
Also, spend the money on a good jacket and good socks if you’re an elder. Really really really comfy shoes if you’re a sister. For...
You can sit beside me when the world comes down: I... →
Ask your bishop if it’s possible for people to donate via the Church’s internal system, or to send a check to your bishop - it’ll be easier to get the skeptical/nervous/not-wanting-to-reveal-their-real-name-to-you (hi!) involved.
Also, for once-someone-is-on-their-mission purposes, donations to a specific missionary outside your home ward can totally be made by check.
...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 27
Day 27 - A story about myself in the middle of my disorder.
Well that’s every day, but, hmmm.[[MORE]]
OH, I know!!! The story of the tomato. Heh.
I have a Thing for tomatoes. A really huge thing. They are my favorite vegetable, and pretty much always have been. I am (in accordance with my entirely too sensitive, OCDish ways) extremely picky about my tomatoes. They must be round,...
On the one hand...
My mood is better today. I have hardly at all been at the edge of tears, and I got things done, and I don’t really feel all that helpless/hopeless about much of anything. I even sang along to fun songs and felt better-than-neutral for a bit.[[MORE]]
On the other hand, a) I still can’t actually get myself to DO much of anything (the dishwasher and buying med refills were REALLY BIG...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 26
Day 26 - What would I tell someone if they told me they were giving up on recovery because it’s too hard.
Hmm. Well…[[MORE]]
I guess I’d tell them that it’s OK to take a week off, or a month off. That it’s OK to have a crappy day. That I totally agree it’s way too hard - and that I believe it’s necessary anyway, and that they CAN do it, even if they...
Why, exactly,
Did I put “Puff, The Magic Dragon” on my “fun” playlist? It’s… erm… rather depressing. Heh.
So far today...
I convinced myself to get out of bed, I took a shower, I ate some cereal, and I said “no more sleeping!” several times in a moderately convincing tone of voice. I also caught up on Facebook and Tumblr while trying really hard to convince myself I meant it when I said “no more sleeping!”
I think maybe I should go somewhere outside of my house just so that I’ll be...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 25
Day 25 - what (or who) in my life makes me smile big.
This is a not-so-great day to ask this question.[[MORE]]
Offhand, I know that pictures of tiny furry animals (especially kittens and sleepy/goofy puppies) usually make me smile. I also really like tiny other things, such as miniature food and decks of extremely small playing cards.
But seriously, ask me on a day when the thought of smiling...
I'm just going to come out and say it:
I strongly prefer the fifth Brandenburg Concerto to the other five. I hope this won’t make anyone hate me. I still remember the chaos that descended upon me when I finally decided which Harry Potter film I preferred most of all…
Yes, a little bit, though not as bad as last time. This time I’m aware I’m struggling so very hard, and I honestly… I can’t really see it as being my fault, or something that I don’t deserve help on.
The CBT stuff really did help quite a lot on the guilt thing. Even if I can’t enjoy this time, I don’t think (at least right this second) that I’m...
I got some cheese, but
I did not take a nap.
(And now I’m thinking about “I shot the sheriff,” which is… weird.)
Anyway, I got myself to go to the store and buy cheese. And the dishwasher is running. I’m trying to talk myself into eating dinner.
And ultimately - tomorrow I can rest.
Done for a while.
All the paperwork is in and I’m off work. I wish I felt like I was going to take a vacation. Instead I feel like I finally have permission to stay in bed for a year or two. Sigh.
I’m probably going to go out once more today, to get some cheese. Maybe, maybe not. The first order of business is to load the dishwasher and take a nap. We’ll see what happens after that.
The...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 24
Day 24 - Has having a Tumblr blog helped or hurt in my recovery, and why.
My Tumblr blog is like, 95% about recovery! Heh.[[MORE]]
Yes, I’d say it’s helped a lot.
1. I know there have been times when this has been the only place I felt safe in being honest about what’s going on inside my head, what I’m struggling with, etc. Being honest out loud - or at least on pixels...
My sister came by today.
She built me my new chair! For the last… maybe eight years? Anyway, for a really long time, I’ve been sitting on various folding chairs while sitting at my computer. From 2004 to 2009 or so it was an ancient wooden chair (the kind you pull out for guests when you have way too many guests.) In 2009 I upgraded to black metal folding chairs. These were all my mom’s spare...
You know what stinks the most?
Not enjoying stuff as much as I know I used to. I really want to buy myself a chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles. But I really really really really really really really REALLY want to ENJOY EATING a chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles. I want to taste it and feel really good. I want to take ridiculous hedonistic pleasure in each and...
The sleep deprivation thing.
There are these experiments that show that sleep deprivation is a decent short-term treatment for depressive symptoms; the effect disappears after you get a nap. Or, in my case, after about twelve to fourteen hours (I assume this is because of the bipolar disorder, and/or because I have atypical rather than melancholic/catatonic depression.)[[MORE]]
So anyway, last night I was so stressed out...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 23
Day 23 - How would I deal with it if I had a child with my disorder(s)?
This is tough. I’m still not 100% sure I want to have biological kids of my own - the mental health problems in my family are the only reason for that.[[MORE]]
I hope I’d be able to strike the right balance between supportive and insisting on good/medically appropriate treatment. That is to say… part of...
Quick, somebody...
Name a Federation ambassador who is consistently rational, generous, kind, and level-headed.
Seriously. How on earth do you get hired to do that job, anyway? Fail a test for sociopathic tendencies?
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 22
Day 22 - My favorite quotes to live by.
ACK! TOO MANY TO PICK FROM! These are the ones I copied out into my wellness book.[[MORE]]
On Change:
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” - Helen Keller
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change;...
One day left. Really more like 5 hours.
I’ve finished my power of attorney, just in case (I’m worried that they may suggest I stay at the hospital when they find out what’s going on in my head.) And I’ve mostly taught people what they need to do to make sure my job basically gets done without me.
On Monday I meet with my psychiatrist and (hopefully) she signs me out of work. I have no idea for how long....
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 21
Day 21. What was my “rock bottom,” and how did I overcome it.
I sure do hope this answer doesn’t change in the future.[[MORE]]
My “rock bottom” should have been the time when I went six weeks without leaving my dorm room, but it wasn’t. It should have been any one of several dozen times between 1996 and 2009, but it wasn’t. It was when I was this...
If I could disappear right this second...
I’d consider it seriously. I am just so sick of stuff being lousy. I know this is depression talking but gosh darn it all, I’m really, really sick of it talking and am inclined to agree with it just to shut it up.
In other news, two more days of work before I go on disability for an unknown period of time. I’m hoping for a week of sleep.
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 20
Day 20 - Where do I see myself in ten years?
This is a really crappy day to ask that one. I have no freaking clue.[[MORE]]
The part of me that would really like to fall asleep and never wake up is reasonably confident I’ll be dead by then. From diabetes, from suicide, from neglect, from freaking exposure to the elements. I just… I can’t even take this anymore. I’m having...
Yeah, so I'll be taking some time off work.
How much time remains to be decided. I’m on the waiting list for the partial program; they’ll call when they can schedule an intake. Monday will be my last day for a while, though.
My boss’s boss also wants me to seriously consider whether having a full time job is realistically possible/healthy for me. :(
I just added the words "don't forget to mention...
I’m starting to think I might already know how this day is going to go. My NSSI (trigger warning) has been causing tissue damage, the only thing on my list of symptoms that I felt OK calling “mild” was the depersonalization, and I filled out the Beck Depression Inventory and got back a 43. Anything above 40 is “extreme” depression, from what I understand.
I would...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 19
Day 19: The hardest thing I’ve had to give up on due to my disorders…
Hmmm.[[MORE]]
This is a tough one, because in order to manage ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc., you have go make a lot of changes.
Part of me wants to make a list of all the lifestyle modifications I’ve had to make. For example, I have to be really, really careful about when I go to bed. I am a...
Motivational anhedonia.
I’m meeting with my EAP counselor tomorrow morning. We may be deciding that I need to take some time off of work. When she suggested it a month ago I was all like “pshaw.” Now I’m more like… well…
The trouble is that I just don’t really care about much of anything at all. I don’t want to do anything, and I can’t convince myself to want to...
Good things I have done lately.
Because I HAVE made good choices lately, even if I have been thinking a lot about the crummy ones…[[MORE]]
I loaded up the dishes in the dishwasher and I ran it right after dinner, instead of waiting till I was trying to find something clean to cook with!
I added “umbrella” to my shopping list so that I’ll remember to get an umbrella sooner rather than later (the other...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 18
Day 18 - Higher Power/religious beliefs question.
Yes! I have found a higher power! And that discovery totally predates my starting recovery, d’oh.[[MORE]]
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as a Christian.
:P
You might also have heard the name “Mormon” bandied about from time to time.
Anyway, it took me a long, long time to move...
The Life of a [Recent] LDS Convert: What you don't... →
Do not feel bad or feel like you’re “behind” at all. You actually probably know a lot more about the gospel than a huge number of lifelong members - you’ve had conversations with the missionaries, you’ve had lessons, you’ve chosen the gospel, and very few BIC types can say that!
If you want to know more about the temple, or temple-related stuff like garments,...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 17
I totally had to switch to Open DNS to be able to access the internet just now. Weird. Anyway!
Day 17 - What’s improved in my life since I started recovery?
Well, for starters, I have my own place to live, my own car, and a much better neighborhood.[[MORE]]
Everything has gotten better for me since October of 2009, which is when I started trying to recover actively, instead of just...
I accomplished some goals this weekend.
I set up a bunch of goals this weekend, and though I didn’t get all of it done, I did get quite a bit of it done:
I did my laundry.
I set up/filled pill boxes through the end of the week.
I bought and installed a trash/recycle bin for my foyer.
I moved the side/sofa table thing to the foyer.
I finished 1 Nephi.
I ate breakfast one time.
I washed all my hand-washables, plus I did all...
You know how sometimes you have weird dreams?
I have them A LOT when I’m experiencing bipolar/anxiety symptoms. They mostly go away when I’m euthymic; I’ve had months and months without any dreams I can remember at all.
Last night I dreamed that I was at my elementary school building. We were going to put on a production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, using a modern Italian theme. ”We” being various...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 16
Day 16 - Five things I am grateful for.
It’s tough to choose which five to talk about.[[MORE]]
One - I am grateful for the gospel, and for Jesus Christ’s sacrifice, and a loving Heavenly Father, and the restoration, and the possibility of redemption and the reality of free will. (Yes, all of this counts as one thing.) They’ve really (collectively) helped me get through stuff...
The one real downside to an evening nap.
That would be, obviously, the part where you’re not tired at midnight.
Except actually, I am tired - just not mind-goo level tired. I may not fall asleep instantly, but I’m reasonably sure I’ll fall asleep pretty soon.
I basically will have only slept like, nine hours on the 15th (stomach upsets woke me up a few times during the night.) But then I’ll sleep for...
1 tag
30 Day Recovery Challenge - Day 15
Day 15 - What do I tell myself (and do) to calm myself down in the event of a triggering stimulus?
It depends on what was triggering me![[MORE]]
There are a few things I know are likely to precipitate a significant flare-up of symptoms.
For example, getting into a “go go go” mode of achievements (nonstop participation for 12 hours at a state fair, cleaning four rooms in one day,...
And then I took a two hour nap.
Okay, realistically I probably only slept for like, 90 minutes.
No, that really doesn’t make it any better. But my headache and impending-puke feeling is gone, so yay!
My head hurts and I want to sleep.
And it’s actually bad enough that I’m going to take a bit of a nap, because I am afraid that if I don’t, I will actually start puking.
This is the downside of taking a risk like going to the support group yesterday - even though I survived and it wasn’t that bad, it’s still enormously stressful for a day or two afterwards. On balance it’s probably really good...
