And they fit. I am officially one size smaller than I was, the last time I bought pants.
Now to get like, five more sizes smaller, heh.
(No, but seriously, getting down to a 12 - which would necessitate losing something like ten more inches on both my waist and my hips - would more or less qualify as a dream come true.)
How many days I’ve had where I wasn’t really hungry in the evening. I think this has to do with anxiety and stress (depression alone makes me eat.) You know how I lost 2.6 pounds between two Wednesdays ago and this last Wednesday? Well, I dropped another pound between last Wednesday and today, according to the scale in Dr. E’s office. Yeah, not healthy.
Anyway, Dr. E has upped my Trileptal (anticonvulsant/mood stabilizer) to 900mg/day. She persuaded me to talk to D about cancelling or at least scaling waaaay back on the diabetes class, and I’m going to write the “I’m not coming to the next few sessions” email after I finish this post.
So, tomorrow is another day, and I need to make myself eat. Thinking about making myself eat actually helps me get hungry (I’m clearly not as anxious as I was, say, the first week of the partial program.) But I’m only going to eat a little bit, to avoid freaking my stomach out. And I’m going to bed. After I email the diabetes health coach. Whee.
The newest pill system? It radically diminishes the fishy smell and taste of the Metformin. I am not even kidding. I keep being worried I didn’t include it in the box, even though my box-packing system involves opening a bottle, taking pills out, adding them to the box, then moving the bottle to a separate area so I’m sure I already included them. It’s ADHD-proof.
I have no idea why this is. The intense orange smell of the vitamin C tabs also gets reduced, but not so much that I don’t notice the taste/smell when swallowing them. The Metformin is making as much of a sensory impact as the Trileptal and the Lexapro - I have taken to counting the number of white pills before starting the swallowing, just to reassure myself.
I put them in the pill organizer - the one I took a photo of the other day - divided into two groups, the morning and evening set.
Then, when I remember, I dump out the set for the half of the day in question, and I swallow what comes out, one right after the other, until they’ve all disappeared.
The reason I do this is because otherwise I have to have all the pill bottles lined up in an exact order, or in specific spots in my backpack, and VERY CAREFULLY take the pills in that exact order. If I go out of order, or if a pill bottle changes shape because I got it filled at a different pharmacy, or whatever? TOTAL CHAOS ENSUES.
This way I can fill the pill organizer at my peak alertness level, after I’ve already taken my pills and probably have already eaten, and then just carry the darned thing with me.
This is my fourth attempt to use a pill organizer. All the previous ones have failed, usually because I got way too technical about when to take what. There’s actually a lot of leeway in when, exactly, I’m supposed to take things - like, my “morning” Metformin can be taken anytime from when I wake up till 2pm, though the earlier the better.
So we’ll see if this system works. I hope it does, because the pill thing really stresses me out. I HATE being non-compliant, but I often risk it because I lose track of things. Like, I just took my evening pills, right before writing this, and if the CIA were here with electrodes I still wouldn’t be able to say for sure that I’d actually taken all the drugs I was supposed to. I CAN say I filled the box when I was doing OKish psychologically, and that I swallowed everything in the PM side of the box. So.
For probably 99% of you that would be a terrible thing to admit.
To me this means I am FOUR POUNDS from having lost 10% of my body weight since the start of the year. I am closing in on the BMI 30s and class II obesity. I can safely buy plastic Adirondack chairs designed to hold “up to 250 lbs.”
So, basically, what I’m saying is, HECK YEAH ME.
(Still depressed, still having a hard time coping with life. Faxed my psychiatrist at the very end of the day; we’ll see if she replies. Existence is hard. But I think I may weigh less now than I did at any point in 2011, and that is pretty cool, and I fully intend to enjoy that to the fullest extent of my capacity to enjoy things - though the festivities will probably be delayed until I have the energy to follow through on that intent.)
Had dinner? Check.
Took my medications? Check.
Did my laundry? Check.
The rules for tomorrow are:
Call in sick if I feel really awful, but try to go to work if I can.
Fax D and Dr. E as soon as I can in the morning.
Treat myself kindly and in a deliberately low-stress sort of way.
I can do this.
I have no idea how long I’ve been feeling lousy. It has to be at least two weeks, because I’ve had two really miserable diabetes class sessions. I’m pretty sure it’s more than that, though.
That’s about depression and bipolar disorder and other serious mental illnesses. You know, explaining it to normal church members, talk about how they can help and what they should look for and stuff.
Alas, I feel too crummy right now to actually work on such a project. Stupid freaking depression. Go away and let me be awesome!
It is seriously trying to give me the option of filling in the “title” field with every title I’ve put in so far. Heh.
Anyway. Today wasn’t as good as yesterday - I stayed under on calories, but I only walked about 1400 steps, and I didn’t really take care of any issues, do any churchy stuff, or, come to think of it, do much at all. Heh. I DID get my two new pill-sorters filled for tomorrow, so I can (HOPEFULLY) remember to take my pills in the morning and right when I eat dinner instead of at wacky not-right times. And, I did wash out my CPAP equipment (which is good, because I didn’t do it last week, and you’re supposed to do it weekly.)
But I did various Sabbath-breaking things and didn’t study the scriptures and so on and so forth.
I can say with some satisfaction that I helped out a few people with mental health issues today, though. I wasn’t a total slug. Just… you know, a work in progress. Ah, well. There’s always tomorrow. And no mistakes have been made tomorrow, yet.
Who is going to be using this General Conference coloring book.
The only question is, will it be with colored pencils, or markers?
I actually did it. I’ve been contemplating doing it, but today there was actual action. I have no idea if or when I’ll be able to get myself to do it again, but whatever. Today I did it. Yay me.
I really can’t imagine ever wanting to take a vacation there.
And here’s the deal: for now, because I am fragile (that is, it is a royal pain finding drugs that will work that don’t cause awful side effects or make me hypomanic,) the only thing we’re changing is to add a dose of Deplin each day (hey, and at the regular full-strength dose, a first for me.) I have hope it will be helpful, though not a ton of hope, because I still feel like crap. I was almost brought to tears asking for my next appointment plus “yes, I went to the doctor” note for work, from the front desk. Why was I near tears? Because I was existing at that moment. Depression sucks. Look at it, it made me swear just now. Argh.