But I feel like if I CAN do something on my list of things I’m supposed to do, I should at least make an effort (this is why I go to work even on days I’m sure I’ll be completely unproductive.) So I’m writing now, and hopefully it’ll be enough to count for my 750 words in my journal.
“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”—Mosiah 3:19
I just registered for a PHP intake session at my local hospital for Tuesday. I am still not totally sure I need this, but I am sure I need more than what I’m getting from regular outpatient stuff, and I was way, way too pleased to hear the appointment will take 2 hours. I almost forgot how incredibly nervous and scared I was, and how much I was screwing things up, talking on the phone. So my schedule for next week has me in therapy on Monday, PHP intake on Tuesday, psychiatrist on Wednesday, and EAP on Thursday. So far nothing big is set for Friday, but there’s a whole week to go till then.
EAP is like a school’s counseling center, but at work instead. Stands for Employee Assistance Program. The counselors at my EAP center are all LCSWs or better (most have MSWs or another Master’s in a counseling-related field.) Our EAP program also handles company-wide training in things like “How To Not Go Crazy Raising a Teenager” and anger management and smoking cessation. EAP programs are very common in the American business world. My college had one, leading to the bizarre situation in which grad students with teaching/research appointments got to pick whether to go to student counseling or EAP.
So I’m totally behind on all kinds of things at work, and my office is a mess, and I’m having issues with the person I don’t get along with, and my supervisors have decided this is a good time to give two days per week of my time to another work group. The work is actually kind of interesting sounding. But I’m losing 40% of the time I already didn’t have enough of, and not seeing any other duties diminished.
I sometimes wonder if they’re trying to provoke me into admitting I’m falling apart behind my “Demeter is doing just finedo not look at the piles of papers in the corner please" facade.
So if in like two weeks I’m even extra crazy and stressed out, this is probably why.
So I went to EAP this afternoon and it was a weepy experience (as usual.) L, the EAP counselor, feels I’ve made a lot of progress since the last time we had a formal talk - it’s so weird to be talking about how much progress you’ve made in the same conversation where you debate whether an Intensive Outpatient or Partial Hospitalization program would be a more appropriate next step - and agrees that my medications totally need adjusting. She gave me the name and email address of a staff member at a nearby PHP program; I emailed them and they had someone else on the staff call me, which was problematic (I’m not answering phones this month… too nervous,) so I’ve emailed them back saying I don’t do phones, and we’ll see what happens next.
I love doing this, and wish I could do it more. I can only do it today because my EAP appointment is right after lunch, but it’s so, so nice. I probably like it for mostly unhealthy reasons (comfort food, no people, no one looking at me, etc.) but whatever.
Of course, I have to use a bunch of timers to make sure I leave on time - normally I depend on the crowds at restaurants driving me out, or on the people knocking on my door if I eat in my office.
My resident adviser, who had known me for TWO YEARS, came up and asked me if it was true that I worshiped Satan. Cause, see, her pastor had totally given a sermon about us that week in church, and that is what he said.
I’m challenging my followers and anyone else who reads this to post one quote from the Book of Mormon (specifically the BoM) every day. You can pick from the topical index (okay, that’s how I read the BoM), post your favorite from your daily scripture study, or even just reblog a scripture you find on someone else’s tumblr. Anything goes. Just post one quote/scripture/what have you from the Book of Mormon each day, and tag the post with “book of mormon challenge.”
This evening is one of those “I’ve run out of gas and there’s twenty miles to go” kinds of nights. The day was not particularly productive - I answered some emails, helped a few people, underachieved. I also got word back from my EAP counselor, L. As is so often the case, her not replying had nothing to do with me (I can’t ever tell, and my default mode is always that it’s my fault) but with her being out of town and busy and worried about how best to reply to me because, you know, Whoah, Partial Hospitalization.
Before I go to bed, I wanted to mention that I think I’m losing about an hour a day right now to ADHD blinks. It’s about 15 minutes in the shower, 15 minutes while driving (I generally don’t remember anything from a drive unless it’s extremely notable - seriously, I know I was in control of my car for over 5 miles this morning and I know I didn’t run into anything but I can’t remember a thing that happened, including when the car in front of me moved into a different lane and disappeared.) The other half hour in bits here and there. It’s like all the parts of me that can go on without explicit instruction do so, and the rest of me is tied up in the world that only exists in my head.
I actually think it’s a neighbor or something! And they don’t know my name, even though the post office made me stick it on my door (I hate that, but when I refused to do it they did it for me, and I’m sure they’ll replace it if I remove it.) They keep saying my apartment number. It’s a young guy, like 20 years or old or something. And he likes to juggle his empty water bottle and kind of looks like a slacker (but I get very judge-y about people doing things I perceive to be threatening, so.)
In WVa you should contact these folks. Also, start by learning fingerspelling, and always keep a notepad and pen/pencil handy. My cousin is profoundly deaf and we communicated as kids just fine with me knowing just fingerspelling and how to write.
Does anyone have a suggestion for one? Preferably cheap. =P
There are a lot of deaf students at my college because it’s the closest college to the state’s school for the blind and the deaf. I guess they’re probably used to it, but I feel like a total jerk for not being able to talk to them without an interpreter…
So right now I’m feeling pretty awful about myself, and can’t honestly say that I don’t deserve to, and yet also I know, intellectually, that as a person who is not fully emerged from an acute bipolar depressive episode, I am almost certainly seeing things with a massively skewed perspective.
… of posting stuff like MTC videos and quotes from the scriptures when I see obnoxious jokes about the musical on Tumblr. I make sure to tag these posts with the word “Mormon.” I’m pretty sure this qualifies as passive-aggressive behavior. I’m quite certain I don’t care.
This is the link for LDS Family Services. It looks like now they let you contact them directly! (*) It really depends on where you are as to how much and what kind of help they can offer you, in my experience (I’m in a “one office for the whole state, we mostly work with adoptions” kind of place.) But it’s always worth asking for help. And my insurance company (actually the one I have now AND the one my stepdad had when I was under his policy) covered it just like any other therapist.
(*) You should still tell your bishop what’s going on. Because, yeah.
This is a service provided by the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, if you want to find an LDS counselor in your area. They have, amongst other things, a bunch of the LDS Family Services addresses and phone numbers (but you have to go through your bishop, or at least you used to have to go through your bishop, to be seen there.)
There are lots of Mormon therapists, psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, etc., that aren’t AMCAP members, and there are lots of ways of finding them (they’re usually well-known to the bishops and stake presidency members, Relief Society presidents may know about them, and they may have relationships with LDSFS.) This is what AMCAP has to say about their database:
We provide a database of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who are international mental health professionals. Those listed in this directory have agreed to support the purposes and ethical guidelines of AMCAP as stated in the organization’s Bylaws.
I don’t want anyone to feel bad for not wanting to read my stuff, or not follow me, or whatever. I know that most of what I say is really sad or alarming - it makes me alarmed and sad to be thinking it! I’m putting it out here in part because when it’s typed out, it’s not floating around in my head confusing me (at least, as much.)
So I completely, completely respect anyone who doesn’t want to put it in their head. I pay people a lot of money to help me get it out of my head! And there are lots of people I can’t follow here on Tumblr myself, because I don’t have a safe, non-damaging-to-Demeter space in my head for what they’re saying at this point in time. (If you’re wondering if I mean you - my avoid-it issues mostly involve self harm, suicide, abusive relationships, and eating disorders.)
Hugs, etc. Someday this blog will be all kittens and Star Trek and fun and we can all have a party.
So, this is going to be completely not about my current state of mood disorderliness, ADHD, or even really social anxiety. It’s about, well, the side effect of all of that, which is to say, my complete and total lack of meaningful human connections.
Seriously? Me too. I think sometimes Dr. E and I are living on different planets. I worry that I’m somehow misrepresenting what I’m going through, because it never seems like we interpret it the same way. And yeah, there is an issue here of “Demeter always thinks she’s the one who screwed up,” but also, let’s face it: I’m paying her to help me because I can’t quite think straight.