So I had to set up some official goals in the last group of the day
They call it “relapse prevention” and it’s a dedicated time to review your progress, identify things that might challenge you before the first group of the next day, and establish reasonable expectations for yourself between the end of one session and the beginning of the next.
Talked to J just now. She’s glad I am not traumatized (I’m all like, yeah, me too.) She already got a fax from my case manager, which is very impressive. We’re putting my appointment on the 12th in a holding pattern for now - keeping it on the schedule, knowing it might have to be cancelled. A, the case manager, will be in charge of deciding that question, I believe.
It was not as bad as my anxiety would have had me believe. Actually it was mostly OK. I didn’t talk for about the first two hours, and the program director kept coming up and telling me to relax and take a deep breath (no, seriously, he did it like nine times in four hours,) and I think about 2/3rds of the staff thinks I’m there primarily for the AvPD, which is freakishly amusing because normally, of course, the AvPD just defines my life boundaries (and I rarely think about it because, you know, that’s just how I always live,) and the depression has been screwing with my ability to cope within them (and so it freaks me out deeply.) The AvPD is only a problem for me (in the “freaking out here” sense) if I wander outside the boundaries I set to compensate for it. I was so far outside my comfort zone today, the depression was basically irrelevant. So many people. For so many hours.
“The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.”—Leo Buscaglia
Had an enormous amount of trouble sleeping, and I’m easily made physically ill by anxiety, and yeah. I will do this. I have to do this. Glrgh. Now would be a great time to have a time machine. I don’t even know what I would change, but I’m sure I could come up with something if the opportunity presented itself.
At least this place has good air conditioning. It’s supposed to be around 90 degrees today. (I am literally trying to think of anything positive to say, and this is what I come up with.)
So it’s almost 5am, and what with the everything that happened yesterday (including the accidental stimulant at 9pm) I’m awake and jittery. And I totally just caught myself saying “hey, maybe that means this episode is over and I don’t have to go to this thing after all!”.
I just emailed my stepdad. He already kind of knows about stuff (after all, he was paying my medical bills for a long time.) I think my “who I tell and who I don’t” plan would be significantly more coherent if I’d known for sure I was going in sooner than 4pm today.
By the way, I kind of own the “partial hospitalization” tag right now. I don’t know why there’s so little out there - on Tumblr, on the web, whatever - about this. My city isn’t that big, and there are dozens of people enrolled, and it’s super short-term, so that represents something like a few hundred people a year when you count the other hospital. Just for plain vanilla serious mental illness, mind - this doesn’t count the PHPs for substance abuse and the dedicated eating disorders programs. We have to be looking at a significant percentage of the total number of people with these illnesses in town. Surely some of them would want to share?
(And check me out. Responsibly queuing this one up for 4am.)
I don’t know how you stand me. I just keep spewing forth with the words and the posting and the so on and so forth. It’s like a bunch of tiny mood swings one right after another and you all get to be witness to the parts that aren’t the “Demeter crying in her cup of milk” bit. What’s kind of alarming is the very high percentage of time I spent crying and the very small amount of time I spent typing. I do type fast, though.
I realized my anxiety was running away with me as I sat at my keyboard and tried to pretend my world isn’t brutally messed up right now. So I’m in bed, where feeling scared and ill and unhappy and overwhelmed is more OK. Yes, it’s only 6pm, but I might just go to sleep now. I don’t have the energy to get a glass of water or take off my socks or anything except lie here and feel sorry for myself and generally just fall apart. And I really, really wish that I was exaggerating or making this up to garner sympathy. The only thing worse than feeling like you might be crazy, is actually being crazy. Bleh.
Thanks to me being such a freaking dedicated consumer of mental health services, I think the whole PHP thing (assuming my insurance deems it “medically necessary,” and my EAP counselor says they should) may cost me about $25.
This is because, of course, I’m within $25 of hitting my annual out-of-pocket maximum. And I wonder why I never have enough cash on hand to buy new shoes.
(To be fair, I know someone who, because she has kids, has hit the annual maximum in May in some years. I suppose she doesn’t get new shoes often, either.)
And so crying for like, three hours and being under all kinds of stress and not eating and stuff leads to headaches.
So I go to my backpack to pull out the Advil, but I pick up my Vyvanse bottle (which is absolutely in no sense like an Advil bottle) and I pull out a 20mg Vyvanse pill and I swallow it. And it’s pretty much ten minutes later, when I contemplate how long it’s going to take for the pain to go away, that I realize that’s what I did.
Yes, I totally took a stimulant at 9:20pm, having forgotten in the ten seconds it took to rummage through my backpack, both a) what kind of pill I was looking for and b) that it’s FREAKING NINE O’CLOCK AT NIGHT.
Fortunately, it was only 20mg, and it seems to only have a mild effect. But GAH. What the crud, mental illness. What the freaking crud.
(I am 65% sure I only took the one pill, rather than two, which I would have done if it were Advil.)
I just realized, tomorrow I’m getting empirical evidence, for the first time, of just how well I hide how I’m feeling. How? My supervisor will be getting my FMLA paperwork, which has my diagnosis and reason for my absence on it. As far as I know, she thinks I’m just kind of odd (until about 3:30pm today, anyhow.) This should be interesting, in a “are you sure the world isn’t actually ending, because I can be packed in like twenty minutes” sort of way.
Oh, and in other scientific sort of news, I can tell you all that I have incredibly low self-esteem and incredibly high depression and anxiety. I took tests that prove it! And man, when you put “3” for half the answers on the Beck Depression Inventory, that alarms the crud out of health care providers (as, you know, it should.)
Giving myself a pass on the "nice girl" front today
So, I just (a minute ago) found out that a person (older adult/authority figure) who made my life really awful from the ages of 16 to 19 and kept me from doing something I loved to do for the decade after that, has passed away. And not only am I not feeling sad for her or her family, I am not letting myself feel guilty for that.
Now, the only reason I can do that is because I dislike her so much that I would have to force myself to feel bad about not feeling bad about her death and my non-sympathy towards it. But it’s nice to have one shield still standing right now.
I start tomorrow at 8:45am. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do, and I’m not thrilled at all about having to start right away, but I really, really need to change something so starting now it is.
“Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”—2 Nephi 2:27
I am heading for lunch before this intake session and I am incredibly queasy and nervous and because it isn’t socially acceptable to freak out in public or at work, I just need to do it here. GLLLEEERRRRRGGHHH. (Hopefully that will keep me from puking for real.)
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”—Gordon B. Hinckley (via askamormon)
J was super, super pleased that I talked to L at EAP and to my home teacher about the Partial Hospitalization thing. I forget too easily how much progress I really have made - it’s too easy to see the stuff I haven’t done yet, or what I just screwed up. Any level of taking action, of self-advocacy, is a huge achievement compared with where I was in 2009. So before I sleep - yay me!
Juliette Olea Mathis was born August 7, 2011 at 1lb 9oz and 32 cm long.
Jason and Karissa were able to spend 19 beautiful days with their sweet little daughter before she returned to her Father in Heaven Friday August 26, 2011. Their sweet little Juliette now waits for her parents in heaven.
The family now faces unexpected funeral and hospital expenses. This page was created by friends of the Mathis family to organize a fund to aid this family.
The week of Demeter Talking About Her Problems With Different People Every Single Day starts tomorrow with therapy with J. I have no idea what kind of week this is going to be. The closest thing I’ve done to this was when I had therapy and my psychiatrist’s appointments one right after another on the same day, and that was exhausting. And I didn’t have enough time to really process what happened in therapy, so I think it was a bit less helpful, overall, than it would have been if they were on two different days.
So anyway, we’ll see. By Friday I may be in a totally different place in my head. I rather hope so.
… and I have no idea. I’ve been so isolated for so long, I’m still in “it’s really good to have home teachers” land. It feels like a major achievement to have contacted him on my own (that is, initiating a conversation.) I do that maybe twice a month with people outside of my family, and never, ever in an “asking for help” or even “vaguely hinting help would be… helpful” way.
Mostly because I always have to look this up when someone mentions it, I’m just going to put it out here and that way save time in the future. Plus, it’s kind of an interesting question that used to make me wonder a lot as a teen.
And hypersomnia is that quite literally, I can never get enough sleep. I don’t ever reach the point where my mind and body are like “yep, now I’m well-rested, let’s do stuff.” The yawning doesn’t go away. The desire for a warm, soft, dark corner to curl up in varies from a loud roar to a minor rumble, but never silence. I don’t know how this is physically possible.
And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.
Latter-day Saints believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God and a companion testament to the Holy Bible. Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon into English in the 1820s, and others have since translated the English version into dozens of languages. The book contains a promise that whoever reads it sincerely, ponders its contents and asks God if it is true will receive that knowledge by the power of the Holy Ghost.
I just finished my pill/meds regimen for the evening (three and a half pills, 10ml of liquid, plus two vitamins if I feel up to it.) I had to add Advil tonight because of muscle soreness from… nothing at all. This doesn’t happen every day I’m in a depressed episode, but it almost never happens outside of the depressed episodes. And it’s happened a TON this month and it’s so STUPID because I’m not doing ANYTHING during the day. Part of it today is last night’s charley horse (biting a pillow to stop from waking the neighbors at 4am, bleh) but most of it isn’t. Just general aches and such that make no sense and, when they’re bad enough, force me to take even more pills. Between the muscle stuff and the headaches, I can’t help but question the supposed evolutionary advantage of this sort of nonsense.
About the partial hospitalization program intake session (I told him via a Facebook message.) I struggle with getting to church (as in, I think I’ve been three times this year) and I’m pretty sure that if it weren’t for Facebook he wouldn’t know what I look like, because that’s actually all the contact we have with each other. But my visiting teachers (who are two of the eleven or so people who’ve ever been inside my house) both moved out of the ward a few months ago and since I’m terrified of people I haven’t had new ones assigned yet, so he’s basically my entire connection to official church stuff right now (his HT companion, for me, is his wife; for whatever reason we’re not FB friends, though I should really change that.)
If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.
I am trying, as best I can, to get myself in an open, flexible, self-confident mindset for this PHP intake session on Tuesday. I want to get better, I want to do whatever it takes to get better, to get things done, to put myself on a road that leads to success. That is good and important.
“And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”—1 Nephi 3:7