So, in like, three hours and 44 minutes
I will SO TOTALLY write something for NaNo. Then try to convince myself to go to bed. The first thing is going to be way easier than the second thing. I made myself go caffeine-free at 2pm to give it a decent chance of actually working. Also: seriously considering defragging my drive right now to help me resist the temptation to start early.
So about that anxiety and not eating thing
I’ve lost 13 pounds in two months. Part of me is all “YES” and part of me is like “umm, I didn’t do that on purpose…” I don’t think I’ve ever actually lost that much weight in my life. It’s unlikely this will stick, as much as I’d like it to. I mean, there’s always a chance it will, it’s just not especially...
So, tomorrow I go in and see my psychiatrist to figure out my return-to-work plan. And I decided I had better look at how long I’ve been gone from work so I would know how much FMLA time I would have under various scenarios. For example, a scenario where I worked four hours a day for a few weeks, then bumped up to 6, then finally the full 8. And… I will have basically no FMLA time...
I am a nerd
About an hour ago I looked at the episode description in my Netflix Star Trek queue and my immediate, uncontrollable response was, and I quote, “Oh, hey! This is the one where we find out about Spock’s extra eyelid!!” (Would you like to guess what kind of books I read during recess and lunch in lieu of actually playing with other kids?)
I don't know how college football coaches don't...
Because dude, stress city. My stomach is in pain just sitting in the living room watching it happen thousands of miles (or in some cases only dozens of miles) away. Also: thank you NCAA for making that “triple overtime means you have to freaking go for two now, just to end the game soonerish” rule. Because gaaaaaaaaaaah.
DC South Mission
If you really want to be blown away by this mission, just check this out. More than 30 sister missionaries in one place at one time! onceshedecidedtofly replied to your post: Ack, dude. Wow, that blog makes that look like the cushiest mission out there. Nice. :)
A kid I knew when he was eight years old just got his mission call (DC South, for the curious.) I used to rest my arm on his head he was so short. He is going to be an elder in December. Time just needs to have stopped a few years ago already.
Selah (סֶלָה) →
(Because it’s in the psalm I just posted and I believe some of my followers might be curious.)
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore...– Psalm 46
This thing that I am doing
Where I am lying in bed all day long trying not to move, trying to sleep, actually sleeping, trying not to cough, coughing, feeling miserable, going back to sleep? REALLY NEEDS TO STOP HAPPENING. It is seriously almost 6:30pm and I haven’t even taken a shower yet. Yes, not moving means (mostly) not coughing, but COME ON, ME. Tomorrow, in any case, there will be pie. And to get it I will...
Adventures in Depression →
The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.
Dude I can pay my rent
This last week I have been indefensibly lazy about calling to make sure the disability company knows I’m not at work and thus will actually pay me. I made a firm decision to get out of bed and call them at 4:49pm. Got downstairs and found… the check from them that shows they knew I was off work through Monday, anyhow. Woot. By the way tomorrow I really should make an effort to get...
The not-Vicodin (it’s actually hydrocodone mixed with a drug I’ve never heard of before, methylhomatropine) is more or less precisely as effective on me, from a pain standpoint, as codeine. Which is to say, not at all. I’ve read stories from people who say that they got hooked on opioids right away, that it made them feel like they were flying, etc. My stepdad refused morphine...
I am finding myself somewhat shallow and immature
Because this is the list of reasons I want a boyfriend at this particular moment. I want someone to watch Star Trek with who will understand why I laugh at the parts I laugh at (laughing with me is optional.) I want a reason to buy an entire pumpkin pie. I want someone to bring me my favorite soup when I am sick, and not just to offer to bring random soup. I would like a neck massage from...
Today reminds me
Why I don’t think I’ll ever, ever turn on the anonymous Ask feature.
Dolphins' Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall Talks... →
The receiver said his long-term goal would be to use his celebrity to become a face of mental health and to try to break the stigmas that accompany it. With his voice starting to crack, he said that without treatment, he would probably be out of the NFL and divorced. “God is good,” Marshall said. “He answered my prayer just in time.”
Islam and Mormonism - A Comparison (Hugh Nibley,... →
So, about that sedation thing
I got out of bed at 4pm today, having gone to bed at 10pm the previous evening. I didn’t actually sleep all 18 hours, though - as if that counts for very much. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I’ll be in bed again before midnight tonight. Who said anything needed to happen on Wednesday anyhow.
I pity me
Whine whine whine despair hack cough whine whine whine. But seriously. Hating this. Named tonight’s journal entry “Misery.” It’s not about the movie. That is all.
So the inhaler I got doesn’t have any sedating effects and neither does the antibiotic (yay!) Unfortunately, the other two medications (benzonatate and hydrocodone) I was given today both do, along with the Lexapro and the Trileptal. This is of course why I slept more or less continually from 3pm to 6pm and now move like a koala loaded up on eucalyptus leaves. There’s actually no...
So I went to the doctor...
And the hateful Geodon blood sugar crisis is apparently rounding a corner - I’m down to 120 on my fasting glucose (from 164,) after only ten days off the drug. Yay! Also, my cough? Bad enough that the doctor gave me Vicodin and an inhaler. She says I’m wheezing. So… I’ll probably sleep a really really long time tonight.
Why would you go onto a planet that you know is inhabited by a mystery monster that burns people to a crisp but then have your security team wander around as individuals instead of in teams? Also, when you discover a plant that makes people blissfully happy and cures all their physical ills (including replacing lost tonsils and appendices,) but kind of turns them into blissed-out robots (which...
Well this kind of blows
I have post-infectious cough, again! The last time this happened to me it lasted for over a year (yes, really) and was kind of hellish. Luckily I see my primary care physician tomorrow for other stuff. But gah.
So I own a Wii now.
And I have a couple of really really old Catholic statues that my paternal grandmother gave my mom while my parents were still married. I had always wondered why a currently Mormon, former atheist person would have a Virgin Mary statue, and now I know. In other news: I got my first access to a personal computer when I was 4 years old, and got my first gaming console at age 31. I do everything...
Got so distracted by the internet that I failed to notice I was pulling my eyebrow out again. And once I did notice it still took a while to get myself to stop. Net loss was probably 20 or 30 individual hairs - my whole eyebrow region is bright red and rather sore. Sigh. Fortunately I have stopped now, and I’m going to go out and do things, and hopefully that will be enough to keep me...
Thank you! It took me a while to come up with something appropriate. :) onceshedecidedtofly replied to your post: Today is the very, very, very last day I like that you linked to the wedding wiki page… lol. Happy (early) birthday. :)
Today is the very, very, very last day
That I can call myself a young single adult. Some people take the expensive and logistically challenging way out of YSA status. I took the long, slow path instead. In any case, it’s over now. Or will be in like, ten hours. (I really have thought myself more a midsingle for the last few years, but I’ve kept in touch with the YSA side of things, to the extent I can handle it,...
It's that time of year again.
Tonight I find myself looking up the exact definition of an epistolary novel and obsessively wandering through the Census surname distribution list. (I’m not sure I’m actually crazy enough to do a true epistolary novel, by the way.)
As a head's up
Do not go through the entire Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale by yourself if you’re worried you might have OCD. Because it will not make you feel any better. I promise. (Note that this experience hasn’t stopped me from saving the entire document to my hard drive.)
It doesn’t really matter that much where I go for dinner. The most important thing is that I eat. It is okay if I choose to eat someplace that is less than ideal. It is okay if I spend $20 to do it. It is okay if it turns out later there was a better choice available. I am getting in my car and driving to the first place I can think of and solving this problem and it doesn’t...
My brain and I are not on speaking terms at this...
I seriously just started hitting myself in the head while trying to figure out where to get dinner. Brain, you are notice, this is unacceptable.
Anxiety and hunger do not mix
So far today I have had two glasses of orange juice, ten crackers, and 24oz. of Dr. Pepper. It’s 7pm and I’m really really trying to convince myself to eat dinner because it’s the right thing to do. What the heck, brain? What the freaking heck? (Did you know that the word anorexia can be used to mean the symptom of not being hungry, as well as the medical/psychiatric...
I’m trying to do some of the worksheets from the program to see if they can help me get through this anxious stuff. Don’t mind me, just doing some CBT-esque navel-gazing. 1. Being pointlessly tense and anxious is a problem that I choose to manage. 2. It adversely affects my life by: distracting me from things I want to get done, wearing my body out for no good reason, keeping...
Have to go get a blood test today
I haaaaaaaaaate blood tests. I’ve progressed really far on this, actually - in 2004 a blood test meant a panic attack complete with screaming, being held down by several people, passing out (with the vision blacking out, the falling over, the whole nine yards,) and then having to be on an oxygen tank for twenty minutes afterwards, with people forcing me to swallow sugar tablets (which...
That nasty part of the cycle
Where you’ve put off eating so long that it’s now too difficult to get up and cook. Oi. (What’s even worse is that I keep having to sit down while cooking. Which means that I have to keep fighting this battle and my dinner may well burn while I struggle.)
There Is Help (MetaFilter Resource Page) →
I’ve been meaning to do that thing where you write things you’re thankful for on fall-color construction paper leaves and put them on the wall. Still haven’t found the leaves, though. But on the DBSA forum they asked us to list what we’re thankful for, and here’s what I’ve come up with, in no order beyond that in which they came to me: The internet Therapy ...
So I realized today
That I’m super, super anxious. And have been for days. This is keeping me from being able to eat, keeping me jittery, making it hard to focus, and leaving me grouchy. It’s sort of sad that I didn’t realize that this (systemic anxiety, not just “worried about X”) was going on till like, 5pm today, but now that I know that this is where I am right now, I can adjust...
A word to the wise
Don’t search Tumblr for the tag “chastity.” Trust me. Never have I blocked so many users on the basis of one search in my life.
The Gospel and Romantic Love →
Let me talk now, on the other hand, about the more positive aspects of the law of chastity, because that part of the law is fundamental and important. President Packer said: “Oh, youth, the requirements of the Church are the highway to love, with guardrails securely in place, with help along the way. How foolish is the youth who feels the Church is a fence around love to keep him out. ...
I think that tomorrow
I will go to the peer center downtown. I’ve been thinking about doing it for a few weeks, and I think I’m going to give it a shot. If it’s comfortable enough, I’ll stick around for the Bipolar Bears support group meeting. (Peer centers are mental health agencies - sometimes private non-profits, sometimes run by mental health boards or other government agencies - which...
I'm kind of ticking myself off right now
I know, intellectually, that what happened today isn’t the end of the world. I should really just make a note of it and move on. I ought to put it into context and not let it bring me down and so forth. At worst I ought to be making contingency plans and waiting to see what happens. But my actual reaction has been more like “I want to sleep and never ever wake up again,”...
Things are not going well at the moment
So my boss was apparently under the impression that I don’t want to come back to work, and some coworkers of mine saw posts I made on Facebook and told her I was “really active” (because of course you’re going to broadcast to your entire friend list all the problems you have, sigh.) I told her I was really sorry for giving her that impression, and now she wants me to call...
I’ve decided I’m participating in NaNoWriMo again this year (it’ll be year 8 for me.) I think (there’s still two weeks to change my mind) that this year’s story is going to be about a girl who gets the chance to be cured of all her mental illnesses and how that doesn’t really make things easier for her. There will also be a space travel component to the story,...
mormonchannel: ““My dear young friends, perhaps the Lord’s encouragement to ‘open [your] mouths’ might today include ‘use your hands’ to blog and text message the gospel to all the world” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf”
The Mormon Channel (now on Tumblr) →